Maybe later on in time, but not right now.. but god damn, I need to vent like no other.. I have all theses thoughts running through my brain about everything and anything... and it just seems that I have no one I can talk to about them because everyone has this prejudged opinion about it already..
Therefore, I just keep it all bottled up inside... I'll tell nobody..
... eventually, it'll bug the hell out of me and someone will say one tiny little thing, and it'll piss me off, and I'll just go off on them like there's no tomorrow..
.. this is normally not a good way to react.. I mean, it might not even be a bad thing that person might say, but it just might irritate me..
And right now, there are a lot of people on that irritation list..
.. I don't know, tho.. I have another test tomorrow for college.. ahh, I'm hating this like mad ass crazy.. a college placement exam.. I honestly don't know why I'm taking it, really.. I think, at this point, I'm just taking it..
Who knows! Another test for me to stress out about.. Something I tend to do very well, if you haven't noticed.. goodness, I just want one week of not stressing out please.. I mean, is that too much to ask?
.. right now, at this moment, I feel like crying my eyes out.. I honestly, just feel like the only way I can get all these emotions out of my body is just to CRY them out.. maybe, if I did cry, perhaps I wouldn't feel like I had the world and then some on my shoulders..
But, really, that's just a temporary thing.. sure, I'd feel good for that one brief moment.. but, after that full session of crying, I'm sure all of the stress would flow right back.. every thought.. feeling... would just hit me once again.. just a temp solution..
Kinda like screaming, you know? When someone tells you to scream your head off? Sure, it seems nice.. and it feels incredibly wonderful after it's done.. but suddenly reality sets in.. and you realize.. yea, stress is still there, baby! It's not gone at all.. screaming was yet another temp solution for that one brief moment in time..
I think the only thing getting me through these past two stressful weeks is definitely my music.. really calms me..
Good ol' Jimmy Eat World and Get Up Kids.. Tho, I'll be honest, there are some songs.. just can't listen to.. guess that's why I have that little button on my cd player where I can program my songs.. ;)
Ahh.. these past two weeks have been the slowest two weeks of my life.. everything in my perfect happy-go-lucky life seems to be crashing all around me, and if you haven't noticed, I don't like dealing with reality..
Here goes, guys.. you wanna know the real deal.. I'll just put the cards on the table.. I'm feeling amazingly honest here..
I mean, what the fuck?
Two sundays ago, I find out that I have a half-sister... her name is Michelle and she's my dad's daughter.. she's 32 year's old.. talk about the most shocking news in my life.. It's always been Elle and myself.. I took pride in that.. I thought there was some kind of special in that.. just being the two of us.. but now, there's three.. Sure, I've accepted it.. NOW.. two weeks later.. but it sucked at first.. I thought that this woman would come in and just say 'hey, this is my dad.. yea, move the fuck over.." but.. I don't know.. she's coming to visit the night of orientation for college.. ahhh.. talk about interesting.. I could never stop loving my father the way I've always loved him.. he's never given me a reason other wise.. he's never called me whore or slut like my friends father's do.. he's the most amazing father in the world, and just because he was a dumbass 19 year old doesn't mean shit to me.. I still love him.. more than ever, actually..
Not only did that happen, but my aunt had to go to Boston to deal with something to do with her ex-hubby... some stupid shit he put her through about ten-something years ago... so, of course, she had to deal with it.. my aunt had to take an almost 24 hours bus ride to Boston to deal with some shit her ex-hubby fucked up ten years ago.. yes, don't you love that? Oh my oh my.. everything did turn out aokie with that, by my oh my, that was pretty stressful worrying about whether or not she was going to be okie there...
On top of that, while she was in Boston and we found out my dad had a daughter, we find out that a good friend of our family goes completely nutso.. and I'm not just talking nuts.. I'm talking crazy.. like straight-jacket, needs to go to a nut farm crazy... she had been on the board of directors for a local theatre group in town.. she was the secretary for the rotary in town.. she owns(ed) her own store in town .. well, she's bipolar.. meaning she had incredible ups and incredible downs.. one moment she can be as happy as a fucking lark... but then, she can be down as anything... she will not eat for days.. not sleep, but the next, she will be depressed as all get out.. Well, suddenly she snapped .. started telling everyone she was Jesus Christ and that she would be the President... she divorces her hubby... and allows her daughter, who use to be my best friend, that she can live with her boyfriend... yes, let's encourage the premarital sex right before the eyes.. isn't that just lovely... then, a few days later she runs naked through the local walmart which is followed by her getting into an pretty bad accident... now, this young girl who use to be my friend won't talk to me.. her mother tells the police that her husband is a child molestor and that MY MOTHER is after her.. isn't that just wonderful? I called up this girl to see how she's doing, and she's laughing!!!!! LAUGHING!! Like nothings wrong... *sigh* I can't believe it.. just can't believe it...
Following that incident... I find out that my sister has fallen out of love with her hubby ... that she is considering a separation.. maybe even a divorce..
Not only that, but this guy Elle and I know is feeding both of use lines.. actually, the sames ones if you think about it.. he likes both of us, and it's just plain stupid.. he's married, which is worse, tho he's working on getting a divorce himself..
On top of that, I've had SAT's, tomorrow I have the CPE, and then I have orientation in a week or so.. I'm dealing with worrying about scores for that SAT's... so basically, I'm stressing like no other..
This is what I've been dealing with for about two weeks now.. I don't know what to do.. screaming and crying have been thoughts that have crossed my mind.. but as I've said, they are temps solutions to huge problems that I want erased forever..
I don't know what to do..
I gotta go dressed... I'm going shopping, and yes, that does de-stress me a bit..
you know what would make me a happier person? Finding someone to cuddle up with.. that's NOT married.. that doesn't have an interest in me and my sister at the same time.. that's not an asshole.. who has eyes only for me..
That would make me happy...
Ahh.. I think I shall go now.. I've said far more then I wanted to.. or intended really.. bye for now..